Today

If I had known that the road through life was more of a marathon over rough terrain, I would have worn better shoes. If I had known the seasons of my life would be so strong, I would have brought more befitting clothes. If I had known that my path in life would be as it is, I would have spent more time praying for resiliency.

My shoes would be comfortable enough for me to reach for in times of need, sturdy enough to help me run from my fears and tears, and durable enough to sustain the weight of my worries. My clothes would shelter me from the pain that I harbor in my soul, and resiliency to bounce back from every fall along the path.

Today I realized my hope to extend our family, the hope that I would finally see two pink lines staring back at me, was shattered with reality. Reality that extending our family is not going to go as previously planned, and that a pregnancy test is not one I can study for.
A shift downward with my morning temperatures was reflected similarly with my mood. I could feel myself staring at the purple thermometer and the blinking temperature it displayed, and simultaneously feeling tears rise to the surface. All I could muster for my anxious husband next to me was the thermometer and, “No baby this month.” He tossed the instrument on the bedside table, and rolled over to snore his way to a happier place.

I pulled the covers over my head, but there was no hiding from what was destined to happen. How can things go so wrong, when all we do is everything so right? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. No amount of tomatoes, V8 juice, or any other fertility boosting fad will be a quick fix. The endless quest for what will fix our infertility problem is exhausting and depressing at best.

I’ve watched friends get married and then pregnant quickly after. How does that happen? I know how it works, but why does it work for them and not me? There are pregnant women (12-22%) who smoke while pregnant, drink while pregnant, or even use druges while they are pregnant. I don’t take hot baths after ovulation, gave up caffeine, take prenatal vitamins, eat healthy, and exercise, but still can’t manage to get pregnant. I guess there are no answers to my questions. How do I know? I know, because I have been looking for those answers for years. It doesn’t make any sense to me.

My heart is breaking, and I am fighting against the pain, rage, and sadness that consumes my heart. I’m searching for hope, and desperately clinging to what little I have. It’s been years we’ve been dealing with infertility and each month gets harder. It’s harder to have hope, faith, and resiliency. Sometimes you feel as if you are the only one who knows the depth of your pain, the overwhelming pain you feel, how vary badly you need a friend. However, friends are tough to come by. I’m thankful for the ones I have. I know that they don’t always know what to say, but the fact that they are there with an ear or a laugh means the world.

So, any ideas on how to fix our infertility? Anybody have some hope they can spare, because today I am fresh out. All I can do now is drink a warm cup of coffee, try to enjoy some breakfast, and take a long warm shower, and hope that we will have enough courage to try again next month.