Are We There Yet?

Over here!

2009-05-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

We suffered from infertility for over six years. I was diagnosed with uterine anomoly, more specifically a septum in my uterus. It was removed in April of 2007. On May 30th, 2007, we received a call asking if we would like to adopt a five week old baby boy (through social services after taking their classes and having our home study approved.) That day, my husband and I became parents to Braden. Donor egg IVF in July 08 was a success. We had our daughter six weeks early in March of 2009.

My site is over here:

http://www.worldofwinks.wordpress.com/

Plugging Away

2008-06-12T06:15:00.000-07:00

This is not my official blog, but you can email me at:

armsforanangel@yahoo.com

and I will send it to you.

We're still in the process of adopting "Lucky." He came to us at five weeks old, and is now 13 months.

We're also going through a donor egg IVF cycle in July.

Has it been that long?

2007-09-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

While my blog is still over HERE, I thought I would put up a new post anyway. We're still plugging away at adopting Lucky, and eventually will be jumping back into the trying to conceive pool once more. However, that feels a bit off from now. There is the logical side of my brain that says we should start trying now, because let's face it, it's going to take forever anway. Then, there's the what if side that says, "Hey, you never know!"

So, that's where we are. Busy, busy, busy, running in circles!

Infertility Support Group and My Blog

2007-05-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

My official blog is over here.

Next infertility support group meeting in the Huntsville area is on:

May 16th
6 pm
Casa Blanca on University across from Sam's Club and in front of Suzuki Driving 2000.

Please RSVP, you are not required to RSVP, but it helps, to Becky at armsforanangel@yahoo.com. I can give you any additional details or information about the group, to help you decide if we are a good fit for you!

To preserve privacy, you may ask for the Kellie party.

Breathing

2006-09-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

There have been months in my past where I wouldn't buy tampons, because it may jinx myself. Other months, I would buy a pregnancy test only to find the evidence that I wasn't while using the test. Month after month passed, then year after year, and we still have empty arms and wounded hearts. What are we doing wrong? Surely, we aren't doing it wrong, right?

We slowly came out to a few friends and family that we just weren't having any luck. We shared with them the cold hard facts. We were having unprotected sex with an expected outcome of pregnancy. We received all kinds of advice by well meaning friends and family, ranging from "It will happen when the time is right," "just relax," and "these things take time." While everyone was sharing their tips, and how easy it was for them stories, what we didn't share was our deepest fears, biggest desires, and where we were emotionally. It was too difficult to put out there. Later we wished we had shared this more with people. Perhaps our lives would have been different in various ways. Regardless, it stings that friends and family are working on their first, second, and third pregnancies. Perhaps if we weren't so guarded about our feelings in the first place, they would respect them more. Perhaps not, because when dealing with an infertile person, there is no handbook of what to say and what not to. Either way, pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and the like are all extremely difficult. I don't begrudge them, I don't refuse to go, because everybody else's life must go on. It's just very difficult to accept that when yours feels like it is crushing down on you, and all that is left to do is fall into a heap on the floor and sob.

Now, we are past the "perhaps we need help" stage, and are in the "what's the deal?" phase. Layer by layer we reveal what is truly a matrix of issues, and like an onion each layer comes with tears. Not only do we still have the raw emotions of repeated monthly failure, but now the fear, anxiety, and stress that comes with each new test. Largely due to the fact, that each new test reveals one more hurdle that we will have to jump. Most people can easily conquer a short sprint, but few can accomplish a marathon.

So, here we are running...running scared, running towards what we hope is a brass ring. When, the doctor said, "Ok, here's what's wrong with you..." My heart sunk and broke into a million little pieces. I truly expected to hear, "Oh, it's just a little ovulation problem. No worries." Naive. My innocence is lost.

My diagnosis, and lack there of, confuses me daily. How will this actually work for us? Sometimes I feel like a rock climber, whose missing gear. A trapeeze artist without a net. My uterus isn't the right shape. I can find women out there with my condition who successfully achieve pregnancy and even have children. I also find women who have six or seven miscarriages before they have those children. How will I find that courage? Can I beat the high odds of miscarriage and preterm labor? How will I manage IVF, when I can only transfer a single embryo? How can I be brave enough to tell people how I really feel? How can I tell them that I am so scared? How can I tell them I'm not sure how I can dig deep enough inside of myself and find the courage I need?

So, now I think back to the well meaning advice of "just relax," "these things take time," and "It will happen when the time is right." Well, relaxing is damn near impossible. Life always throws things our way that tend to complicate it. You could live on a deserted island, and you'd wonder where you are getting food. You could be a billionaire with ten children, and you'd worry if you were raising them right. There is one thing you can bank on in life, and that is stress. No way around it. You can learn to minimize it, but damn it lack of it won't change my diagnosis. These things do take time, but time doesn't make babies, perform IUIs, IVF, or perform laparoscopies. The timing couldn't be better than right now, and I don't see a stork circling my house, or the homes of my fellow infertile friends who deserve children as much as we do. So, I guess I'm just getting prescriptions I can't fill.

These days I can't plan from one day to the next. My amazing neighbor will call and ask what my plans are for the day, and sometimes all I can get out is, "I'm going to shower." Wow. Other times I feel confident, and can allow myself to venture into that place that is guarded with high walls. The place where I store my visions of my future child and all of the hopes and dreams I have for them. Perhaps one day my walls will come down, and reveal that brass ring I am so desperately searching for. No need for sympathy my fellow waiting womb warriors, just feeling the need to embrace what I'm feeling right now.

I want off the ride, please!

2006-09-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

Surgery is cancelled for Tuesday. Can you believe that I maxed out all of my insurance benefits!? So, it will be postponed until new job and new benefits kick in. I'm expecting that to be around mid to the end of October. I'll live, but my heart just hurts.

I've never played the why me game, but today I played the "Damn it, I never asked for this crap game." The one where you curse everything you have to go through just to do what mother nature has been doing forever. My life has been turned upside down, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I should try and figure that out. I've gone through all the emotions today. I wondered if I knew it was going to take all of this, would I ever have gotten married? Would it have been fare to do this to my husband? I wish having children didn't matter so much to me.

What do you do, when all you want to do is throw yourself on the ground and throw a temper tantrum? A bubble bath won't fix it, crying won't, and feeling sorry for myself won't either. I just wish I had some kind of control. Alas, I don't nor will I any time soon. So, don't mind me, I'm just not fit for public viewing today.

Ouch

2006-09-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

I had the most delicious cup of Starbucks coffee today...ahhh....yum...pumpkin spice latte.

Back to reality, today was also confusing and hurt like hell.

Today was my saline infusion ultrasound. Which means that a speculum, a catheter, and a dildocam had a tea party inside of me. This would have been fine if one guest showed up as one was leaving, but nooooo...they all sat in there and chatted nicely. No, let me change that...they weren't chatting, they were screaming at the top of their lungs! Ouuuucccchhhh! I know that I have been told it hurts less than an HSG, but not that much less. It was still painful.

Of course, they placed what looks like those puppy pads used for house training a dog under my butt. Never a good sign. Then, there was one on the step, and on the floor. Just how much were we expecting to put in, much less come back out?! Dear Lord! Well, thankfully I had read up and knew what to expect, but boy was it a hoot for me and my mother (who dutifully held my hand the entire time,) to laugh at me with the "puppy pad" as a diaper of sorts. Fortunately, I didn't have a Niagara Falls effect. Just major cramps and a funny memory. Amen.

However, the worst part of today was the doc looking at me and saying he just wasn't sure what my anatomy looked like. So, three rendevous with the dildocam, a CT scan, two MRIs, an HSG, a pelvic ultrasound, and a saline infusion ultrasound...leads to them not having a clue whether I have a unicornuate uterus with a communicting horn or a bircornuate uterus with a noncommunicating rudimentary horn. Well, holy hell, those are two completly different animals!

So, after my date with the doc, he asked me to run and grab the slides from my MRI. Then, off we went to get them and dutifully bring them back to him. I guess I will just keep my fingers crossed that I can at least get a proper diagnosis soon.

Down and Out

2006-08-29T09:13:00.004-07:00

Wow, does six am come very very early!!! Well, we drove this morning for my date with the vampire (aka the nurse who steals my blood.) I'm not big on needles, but as of late they aren't so bad anymore. Since this was a fasting blood test, I brought some crackers with me so I could eat afterwards. No big deal. I sat in the chair feeling confident and ready for it this time. The vampire began removing viles for the blood...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8 of them in all!

Big sigh...No big deal. It's only a small needle.

Viles one through four were fine. Vampire and I discussed the new bagel place (Bruegger's), which is great because I love them! Vile 5, I began feeling a bit tired. Vile six, I began to sweat. By vile 7, I was warning the nurse that I wasn't feeling so well. She quickly squeezed in vile eight, just as I said, "I want my mom."

Three minutes later...

I wake up to three very perky vampires and a trying not to smile mom. "You ok?" they all asked. Oh, yes, I did pass out this morning. I eat breakfast every morning the instant I get up. I always have. If I don't it is quite the miserable experience. I get cranky, moody, naseaus, and extremely hungry. So, a fasting blood test is not so fun. I don't think my mom or myself was all that shocked. C'mon eight viles! They are checking everything from my estradiol level to an HIV test.

Well, now I am happy to be relaxing on the couch. There will be no more poking or prodding until Friday. Amen.

Uggghhhh

2006-08-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

I called the RE today and scheduled my cycle day three bloodwork, so tomorrow I go in bright and early. Friday is my saline infusion ultrasound. I should receive a call today to schedule my lap/hys surgery. If I was a betting woman, I would say the second week of September.

Today, I'm forcing myself to get out despite the cramps from hell. So, I'm spending it with one of the two people in this world who can tolerate me like this...my mom. We should finish up my sewing project, and perhaps sew a tablecloth that matches my new dining room color scheme!

Today

2006-08-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today we excitedly went to lunch, and I was sat between my husband and a lovely woman in her 70's. My position was between all of the groups of people. Smack dab in the middle. So, I heard conversations about daughters scoring positions with an investment firm (Even has a butt kickin' office. My congrats, truly,) about a two year old grandbaby and another one on the way any day, new homes being redone, and on and on and on. I however, stared at this....

I had nada to contribute. The only thing happening in my life centers around my reproductive organs...not exactly great conversation for mixed company. I have no job, just doctor's appointments...no children, just a pug...no home renovation going on, no major accomplishment to discuss (unless you count surviving an HSG, 2 pelvic ultrasounds, numerous blood draws, a CT scan, two MRIs, 3 and a half years of infertility, and on and on and on) Of course, I chalk those up as accomplishments, but you can't bring them up over lunch. I'm an intelligent and articulate woman, but I felt like such a loser today.

The day got better as the people began to dwindle, and we were left with those who were aware of the situation. We played games, laughed, and even drank a daquiri. It ended well, but I need to have some stand by conversations prepared for these situations. I'm learning to sew...have you been to such and such restaurant lately...the weather is always good...hmmmmm... I guess small talk hasn't been in abundance lately. I must practice.

Well, I'm off to take a sleeping pill and some Motrin. My back is aching, and now I am fully aware that my kicked back and oh so relaxed uterus is the cause...Will tomorrow be day one? We will see.

Just Another Day in Paradise

2006-08-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was yet another trip to the doctor. They may start charing me rent! To spare the long story here's the gist:

1. slightly insulin resistant (could be pre diabetic, and something to watch for.)
2. borderline PCOS (Polycystic ovarian sydrome) It's not all that shocking after reading the symptoms. However, I'm only borderline, and don't currently have that diagnosis.
3. I am anovulatory. They can say with 100% guarantee that I did not ovulate this month. Kind of hard to make a baby without the egg now isn't it!

So, she said that she wanted to run the same tests as my RE. Good news, and they will both be there for the laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and a saline HSG (remember that the HSG was the one that hurt really bad!) Oh, and let's not forget the cycle day 3 blood work. Why is it when you want your cycle to start, it won't?

Ok, non fertility related...

After reading Jaime's blog, I am now dying to have a Starbucks. The good news, there is one not too far from home. The bad news, I promised myself Starbucks is reserved for days when I have doctor's appointments that will be painful or when I have to be brave. Today bummin' around the house cleaning, and then watching the neighbor's daughter for 45 min, then hanging around with mom doesn't fall under either of those categories.

Anybody know when the pumpkin spice latte is back? Doesn't is sound soooo yummy!!!

What a day...

2006-08-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the RE, and as expected, he ordered some more tests to include: Bloodwork on cycle day 3, a saline infusion ultrasound (similar to an HSG), and a laparoscopy (see below.)

Laparoscopy is direct visualization of the reproductive system: Ovaries, outside of the tubes and uterus by using a laparoscopy. The laparoscopy is an instrument somewhat like a miniature telescope with a fiber optic system which brings light into the abdomen. It is about as big around as a fountain pen and twice as long.

An instrument to move the uterus during surgery will be placed in the vagina. Carbon dioxide (CO2) is put into the abdomen through a special needle that is inserted just below the navel. This gas helps to separate the organs inside the abdominal cavity, making it easier for the physician to see the reproductive organs during laparoscopy. The gas is removed at the end of the procedure.

The will go in near the navel and also vaginally. No worries, I will be under for this one! Whew!

They will check for endometriosis, cycts, and of course to examen my "horn." Should the doctor dertermine it essential, I may leave with a partial hysterectomy (aka, removal of my horn.) I won't know until I wake up.

The good news is that he believes that these tests may prove my uterus is large enough to carry a child with minimal risks. I won't be counting my eggs until they are hatched though. (OK, now that was funny.) The doctor said that we will never conceive on our own. Not surprising. However, I can feel myself holding my breath. I will be happy no matter how we expand our family...myself conceiving, a gestational carrier, adoption...I just want a family.

The doc is also going to check for diabetes, because it runs in my family. He doesn't believe I am diabetic, but he wants to cover his bases. He also wants to check for my blood clotting ability. We also have a history of blood clots in our family, and so therefore it falls under the better check now to prevent future issues.

So, there's a lot on the plate. Wednesday, I head back to the doctor to review my MRI and CT slides.

Yikes. So many tests, each one holding my future in their hands. I'm nevous, excited, and feel as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not sure what to feel. I guess, I'm going to continue taking each day one at a time. I'm going to keep my slate clean, and take it as it comes. Take it slow.

However, I'm glad that today didn't bring bad news.

To the RE

2006-08-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I haven't been sleeping well since "the news." However, last night I decided to take a sleeping pill. It was the only way of turning my mind off. So, I peacefully dozed, but my poor poor husband had to endure my kicking legs. I guess I ran a marathon last night! So, he wasn't feelin' so hot today on his two hours of sleep.

So, there I was peacefully sleeping when at 8:06 am, I hear the phone ringing...

"Um, Mrs. Winks?"
"Yes, that's me."
"This is Huntsville Hospital. We, um, need you to come back for a few more images. "
"Why?" I snap back and instantly feel guilty knowing I'm just groggy. "Sure, I can come in today."
Er, um, can you make it in today at 11:30?"
"I'll be there. How long will it take?"
"Only half an hour."

So, there I tooled back to the imaging center for another MRI. I guess it just wouldn't be right to not have to go to the hospital every day this week. However, I'm glad I went because they let me see my uterus and the horn. Very interesting. I'll post a picture of it soon.

Then, low and behold I called the RE to see if there were any cancellations, and there were! Ok, the odds of that were slim. So, I get to go in on Monday instead of waing until October! I have so many questions that I don't know where to begin! So, I'm happy that I will have more information soon. I will say that my uterus is becoming quite the miny celebrity these days. I guess it's not every day you come across a unicornuate uterus with a communicating horn! From the point I'm going to refer to it as UUCH. Just easier. Soon I'll need a decoding section on my side bar.

The Phoenix

2006-08-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

There is a bird that lays no eggs and has no young. It was here when the world began and is still living today, in a hidden, faraway desert spot. It is the phoenix, the bird of fire.
One day in the beginning times, the sun looked down and saw a large bird with shimmering feathers. They were red and gold--bright and dazzling like the sun itself. The sun called out, "Glorious Phoenix, you shall be my bird and live forever!"

Live forever! The Phoenix was overjoyed to hear these words. It lifted its head and sang, "Sun glorious sun, I shall sing my songs for you alone!"

But the Phoenix was not happy for long. Poor bird. Its feathers were far too beautiful. Men, women, and children were always chasing it and trying to trap it. They wanted to have some of those beautiful, shiny feathers for themselves.

"I cannot live here," thought the phoenix. and it flew off toward the east, where the sun rises in the morning.

The Phoenix flew for a long time, and then came to a far away, hidden desert where no humans lived. And there the phoenix remained in peace, flying freely and singing its songs of praise to the sun above.

Almost five hundred years passed. The Phoenix was still alive, but it had grown old. It was often tired, and it had lost much of its strength. It couldn't soar so high in the sky, nor fly as fast or as far as it was young.

"I don't want to live like this," thought the Phoenix. "I want to be young and strong."

So the Phoenix lifted it's head and sang, "Sun, glorious sun, make me young and strong again!" but the sun didn't answer. Day after day the Phoenix sang. When the sun still didn't answer, the Phoenix decided to return to the place where it had lived in the beginning and ask the sun one more time.

It flew across the desert, over hills, green valleys, and high mountains. The journey was long, and because the Phoenix was old and weak, it had to rest along the way. Now, the Phoenix has a keen sense of smell and is particularly fond of herbs and spices. So each time it landed, it collected pieces of cinnamon bark and all kinds of fragrant leaves. It tucked some in among its feathers and carried the rest in its claws.

When at last the bird came to the place that had once been its home, it landed on a tall palm tree growing high on a mountainside. Right at the top of the tree, the Phoenix built a nest with the cinnamon bark and lined it with the fragrant leaves. Then the Phoenix flew off and collected some sharp-scented gum called myrrh, which it had seen oozing out of a nearby tree. The Phoenix made an egg from the myrrh and carried the egg back to the nest.

Now everything was ready. The Phoenix sat down in its nest, lifted its head, and sang, "Sun, glorius sun, make me young and strong again!"

This time the sun heard the song. Swiftly it chased the clouds from the sky and stilled the winds and shone down on the mountainside with all its power.

The animals, the snakes, the lizards, and every other bird hid from the sun's fierce rays -- in caves and holes, under shady rocks and trees. Only the Phoenix sat upon its nest and let the suns rays beat down upon it beautiful, shiny feathers.

Suddenly there was a flash of light, flames leaped out of the nest, and the Phoenix became a big round blaze of fire.

After a while the flames died down. The tree was not burnt, nor was the nest. But the Phoenix was gone. In the nest was a heap of silvery-gray ash.

The ash began to tremble and slowly heave itself upward. From under the ash there rose up a young Phoenix. It was small and looked sort of crumpled, but it stretched its neck and lifted its wings and flapped them. Moment by moment it grew, until it was the same size as the old Phoenix. It looked around, found the egg made of myrrh, and hollowed it out. Then it placed the ashes inside and finally closed up the egg. The young Phoenix lifted its head and sang, "Sun, glorious sun, I shall sing my songs for you alone! Forever and ever!"

When the song ended, the wind began to blow, the clouds came scudding across the sky, and the other living creatures crept out of their hiding places.

Then the Phoenix, with the egg in its claws, flew up and away. At the same time, a cloud of birds of all shapes and sizes rose up from the earth and flew behind the Phoenix, singing together, "You are the greatest of birds! You are our king!"

The birds flew with the Phoenix to the temple of the sun that the Egyptians had built at Heliopolis, city of the sun. Then the Phoenix placed the egg with the ashes inside on the sun's altar.

"Now," said the Phoenix, "I must fly on alone." And while the other birds watched, it flew off toward the faraway desert.

The Phoenix lives there still. But every five hundred years, when it begins to feel weak and old, it flies west to the same mountain. There it builds a fragrant nest on top of a palm tree, and there the sun once again burns it to ashes. But each time, the Phoenix rises up from those ashes, fresh and new and young again.

I too feel like a phoenix. Tired and worn from years of infertility only to find that I will never bear my own child. My world went up in flames this week, but like the Phoenix I will be reborn. Only this time, I will have a new purpose...the next volume in the series of my life. I too will rise stronger than before, but only after the ashes from this week settle.

Being as Strong as I Can

2006-08-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

BRING ON THE RAIN
Jo Dee Messina
Singingfool.com

The Inside of Me

2006-08-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

The inside of me feels like a tornado. Emotions, fears, and dreams all swirling around inside. Like a tornado, they are on me before I know it.

All the words keep swirling around, and fleet before I can comprehend what they mean.

A wise butterfly once told me to believe in miracles...

I'm not sure of much these days, but I am sure however we expand our family will be a miracle.

The Busy Beaver

2006-08-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

A clever title to add a little humor to what has been one of the worst days of my life. I will make a solid attempt to describe what the doctors have found in understandable terms.

Here's the diagnosis: Unicornuate Uterus with Communicating Horn

Yup, certainly is a mouthful.

The uterus and fallopian tubes form in a developing baby from two separate ducts, which fuse together in the middle to create the uterus. Many things can go wrong during this complex process. When only one of original ducts develops, the result is a unicornuate uterus -- a uterus of half the normal size, with one fallopian tube. However, development of the ovary is determined separately, and usually both ovaries are present in women with this anomaly.

A CT scan of the pelvis (mine is on Thursday) or a transvaginal ultrasound (completed today)may well show that your ovary is in fact present (they are.)

Three separate subtypes of unicornuate anomaly are: a unicornuate uterus with a rudimentary horn that does not contain endometrium; a unicornuate uterus with a rudimentary horn which does contain endometrium but does not communicate with the main uterine cavity; and a unicornuate uterus which has a rudimentary horn which contains endometrium and does communicate with the main uterine cavity (mine is the last one.)

A unicornuate uterus can support a normal pregnancy. About 40% of pregnancies will end in spontaneous abortion, 20% in live births. Unicornuate uterus may go undiagnosed until the patient is evaluated by a hysterosalpingography HSG (Yes, that was where mine was discovered) or is subjected to a surgical procedure. At HSG, the uterine cavity is a "banana" shape, and curved to one side, instead of having a normal triangular shape (Fig.1). Only one tube works properly.

People who have a unicornuate uterus are more likely to have endometriosis (I'm not surprised,) increased chances of miscarriage (not shocking,) and have premature labor. Furthermore, I am only ovulating every other month due to the fact that I have only one fully functioning fallopian tube (due to this condition.)

So, basically my uterus is smaller than a normal one, and is not receiving as much blood flow as a normal uterus. The reason for this is that there is another smaller "uterus" on the lower right side. The smaller uterus is not capable of sustaining pregnancy, and if an egg implants there, it will 100% end in a miscarriage. If an egg implants on the left hand side, it will receive less blood and will only stretch to a certain size. I still have to determine how large of a baby it is capable of carrying. What happens is, say it is only capable of holding a four pound baby, once the baby is four pounds, my uterus will no longer stretch and I will go into labor. So, people with this are placed on bed rest for the majority of their pregnancy.

In addition, due to the way a baby develops while in the uterus, people with this condition are also at a high risk of kidney problems. So, I am also scheduled to have my kidneys examined.

It was an interesting and devastating day. I'm emotionally a mess, and am about to begin rounds of testing that will bring with them even more information to digest. I never saw this one coming. For the past few years, my emotions regarding my infertility have been all over the map from anger and depression to excitement. I've lashed out, felt misunderstood, and just now, I'm learning to reach out. It's difficult though, because what is happening is so intensely personal. How exactly to digest what today brought is still a mystery to me. It's not just me that it affects, but my husband, family, and friends as well.

Tomorrow they are checking my glucose, prolactic, insulin level, TSH, and progesterone. Thursday is my MRI and CT Scan. The first date I could get with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is October 10th. This too is even upsetting. First it means that I have to wait patiently for October, (which feels like forever from now), second I will miss my cousin's wedding (whom I love dearly,) and third I will be missing visiting my husband's parents which was slotted for that week. What a mess.

The only positive thing I took from today was that I have a wonderful husband, amazingly supportive parents, and some wonderful friends who have hearts of gold. I love them all.

Morning

2006-08-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

I will give my ear until tonight. If it isn't better, tomorrow morning the doc will find my sitting in his waiting room yet again. That's all I have to say about my stupid ears.

As far as the HSG procedure from yesterday, still a bit sore, but nothing worth crying over. I'm just glad it is over!

Today looks like it will be some running around doing errands. (It also happens to be Justin's birthday!) I wish I had enough disposable income to take him somewhere fancy. Hell, he's not a complicated man, even somewhere just plain fun would work. He'd be happy with our favorite bbq joint (to be honest, so would I!)

Tomorrow, I have sewing lessons. (laughing) Why not!? I figured I could master a skirt, learn a shirt, and then who knows what else! A new skill is always fun to learn.

Thursday, hmmm, nothing planned for that day. We shall see.

Friday, I am "relaxing" with my friend Krista and her daughter Kennedy (17 months,) Ashley and her triplets (15 months.) So, I think the kids have us outnumbered. Either way, I would normally say hell no, I'm not hangin out with four children. (Only because I want one so badly.) However, Krista makes things different. I feel that every time I see her, I come back with a future parenting tip, and she makes you feel like you are an important part of her life. I was elated when I went over the other day and her daughter said my name! Yeah! Go Aunt Becky!

I have to stop over and see some of my other friends, because it feels like its been forever. I miss some of them!

Ouch

2006-08-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

I had the HSG test done today. Both my mom and Justin were there for moral support and to keep each other company in the waiting room. I'll tell you what, there's nothing like some big intimidating machines and your butt hanging out of a hospital gown to make you feel like a little kid and scared as can be. However, I was a brave girl today and had my game face on. The table was cold, but not nearly as cold as the doctor's disposition.

It wasn't the cold speculum, rather the catheter and intense pressure of the dye running through my tubes. No major obstructions was all he had to say. Um, ok. That sounds good. So were there any minor ones? I didn't even have time to ask, because he was gone two seconds after he removed the speculum. I guess I will know when my doctor calls tomorrow. All he said during the proceedure was I had a large uturus (um, hope that's good) and a beatiful cervix (what's that supposed to mean?) Later the nurse, said it would have hurt more if I had a tipped cervix. Thank God that wasn't an issue. Afterwards, she gave me some towels and such to clean up with. Nasty. Not exactly a procedure I would care to repeat.

I felt my blood pressure drop after it was over, probably due to stress and all the meds I'm on to begin with. So, Mom and Justin took me to get some food. I felt much better after that. However, I would be a gonner without my Vicadin the doc gave me for my ear infection. Go figure. They told me no pool or monkeying around in that region for a week. So, here I am in my granny panties wearing as they tell you a pad (why would anybody choose to wear these?) feeling extremely sore, mellow from the drugs, and hopefull that that this procedure will bring us a step closer to having children.

My next test should be easier. My pelvic ultrasound is on the 15th, and I just have to drink 30 some odd ounces of water an hour before the test. My bladder is so tiny, that this should make for some fun. Either way, I'm glad we are finally making progress.

More later,
Becky

Super Swimmers!

2006-08-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

How strange it feels to type with pride that my husband has amazing sperm. Yup, never thought that would be a subject to beam about! However, after reading and being touched by a lot of other blogs out there who suffer from male factor infertility, I feel grateful for the results. Click here to read about a semen alalysis. As it turns out he had 1,316 motile sperm, no white blood cells (a good thing,) his morphology was 43% (supposed to be more than 30%,) motility 94% (supposed to be better than 40%,) conentration was 175 (supposed to be greater than 20.) So, that's just a few. I will have the full lab test in my hand on Monday when I go for my HSG.

On the health front, I think I'm about ready to rip my ear off. This ear infection is kicking my ass. The highlight of my day was getting out of bed. My entire ear is swollen shut. I hope that they don't have to wick my ear again. Although it may be better than the situation now. At least I would know the meds are making it in there.

Here we go!

2006-07-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

We are finally taking some positive steps forward! Justin has a semen analysis complete with morphology on Monday morning. I have an HSG scheduled for the 7th of next month (see below,) and a pelvic ultrasound on the 15th of August to check for endometriosis. I wish they would do a laparoscopy the same time as the HSG, so I would save time and money. Once we get the results on the 15th, she will make a determination of our next steps. Most likely Clomid. I guess we shall see. At this point, we are both just excited to be moving forward.

From The Infertility Survival Handbook, by Elizabeth Swire Falker

HSG = Hysterosalpinogram

What it's for: This may be one of the most useful nonsurgical diagnostic tools in your Reproductive Endocrinologist's arsenal. It is a sophisticated X ray that allows your RE to look inside your uterine cavity and fallopian tubes to determine if both are structurally sound.

What's involved: The HSG takes about half an hour and is performed at the hospital usually in the beginning or middle of your menstrual cycle, before ovulation. You will be given antibiotics to take for a few days afterwards to prevent infection. This can be a very uncomfortable test, but there is little way of predictive whether yours will be painless or not.

It works like this: You get on top of a large table underneath an X-ray machine, and you put your feet in stirrups. Your doctor inserts a speculum (at this point in your testing you almost don't notice this part) and then a catheter through your cervix into your uterine cavity. Through the catheter, your RE will inject a dye that is visible on the X-ray machine. This allows your RE to see the shape of your uterine cavity and any abnormalities (polyps or fibroids) and whether the dye flows through your fallopian tubes. If it doesn't flow through, your tubes are probably obstructed.

PERFECT
Sara Evans
Singingfool.com

Oh where Oh where

2006-07-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

Oh where will I find my next job? (big sigh) I'm sure one will come along. I applied for a few more jobs today. It's amazing how few there are to go around in this city. So, after submitting applications, I resigned myself to suffer the 100 degree heat poolside. I know! Pure torture! I had to swim, and lay in the sun, and talk to friends and family. It was tough. (laughing)

We have quite a bit planned for this weekend, so be prepared for some fun stories!

So, Justin turns 30 soon, and don't we have some fun things in store for him! (giggling devilishly!) My dad's birthday is also right around the corner. So, fun things are in store there too!

The 25th I have an appointment with the GYN. Hello Clomid. Amen and it's about time! We should be scheduling a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG.) (see below.)

"This is an x-ray study of the uterus and fallopian tubes. It is done just after a woman's menstrual period so there is no danger of her being pregnant and thereby exposing the fertilized egg or embryo to radiation. A dye containing iodine-technically called a contrast medium-is injected through the cervix. It spreads into the uterus and the fallopian tubes, allowing them to be visualized on x-ray. Among other things, this study often enables the physician to determine if the fallopian tubes are open. It is usually done without an anesthetic in the x-ray department of a hospital or clinic."

So, I'm excited that we are moving forward. Wish us luck!

Today

2006-05-28T05:48:00.000-07:00

If I had known that the road through life was more of a marathon over rough terrain, I would have worn better shoes. If I had known the seasons of my life would be so strong, I would have brought more befitting clothes. If I had known that my path in life would be as it is, I would have spent more time praying for resiliency.

My shoes would be comfortable enough for me to reach for in times of need, sturdy enough to help me run from my fears and tears, and durable enough to sustain the weight of my worries. My clothes would shelter me from the pain that I harbor in my soul, and resiliency to bounce back from every fall along the path.

Today I realized my hope to extend our family, the hope that I would finally see two pink lines staring back at me, was shattered with reality. Reality that extending our family is not going to go as previously planned, and that a pregnancy test is not one I can study for.
A shift downward with my morning temperatures was reflected similarly with my mood. I could feel myself staring at the purple thermometer and the blinking temperature it displayed, and simultaneously feeling tears rise to the surface. All I could muster for my anxious husband next to me was the thermometer and, “No baby this month.” He tossed the instrument on the bedside table, and rolled over to snore his way to a happier place.

I pulled the covers over my head, but there was no hiding from what was destined to happen. How can things go so wrong, when all we do is everything so right? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. No amount of tomatoes, V8 juice, or any other fertility boosting fad will be a quick fix. The endless quest for what will fix our infertility problem is exhausting and depressing at best.

I’ve watched friends get married and then pregnant quickly after. How does that happen? I know how it works, but why does it work for them and not me? There are pregnant women (12-22%) who smoke while pregnant, drink while pregnant, or even use druges while they are pregnant. I don’t take hot baths after ovulation, gave up caffeine, take prenatal vitamins, eat healthy, and exercise, but still can’t manage to get pregnant. I guess there are no answers to my questions. How do I know? I know, because I have been looking for those answers for years. It doesn’t make any sense to me.

My heart is breaking, and I am fighting against the pain, rage, and sadness that consumes my heart. I’m searching for hope, and desperately clinging to what little I have. It’s been years we’ve been dealing with infertility and each month gets harder. It’s harder to have hope, faith, and resiliency. Sometimes you feel as if you are the only one who knows the depth of your pain, the overwhelming pain you feel, how vary badly you need a friend. However, friends are tough to come by. I’m thankful for the ones I have. I know that they don’t always know what to say, but the fact that they are there with an ear or a laugh means the world.

So, any ideas on how to fix our infertility? Anybody have some hope they can spare, because today I am fresh out. All I can do now is drink a warm cup of coffee, try to enjoy some breakfast, and take a long warm shower, and hope that we will have enough courage to try again next month.

Infertility Etiquette

2006-03-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

Infertility Etiquette

By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

* They will eventually conceive a baby.
* They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
* They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

* Blocked fallopian tubes
* Cysts
* Endometriosis
* Low hormone levels
* Low "normal form" sperm count
* Low progesterone level
* Low sperm count
* Low sperm motility
* Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

2006-03-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why I continue to hold out hope that any month will be different than the one before. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of picking myself up. I'm tired of forcing myself to smile when I want to cry. I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok. I'm tired of feeling like I got the short end of the stick. I'm tired of hoping, praying, and begging. I'm tired of reading stories about mothers who mistreat their children and wondering why they got to have them and not me. I'm tired of being jealous of the good moms. I'm tired of the dissapointment. I'm just plain tired.

A part of me wants to just fall into a million small pieces on the floor. It's a lot easier than carrying this around with me. It's an emptiness. I've prayed for hope and strength. I've lashed out in anger. I've cried in sadness and despair. I just don't know what to do anymore. I play this game with myself every month. The one where I pretend that I am going to be ok if isn't meant to be this time.

I sigh and say maybe chocolate will help, new shoes, a good movie, a warm bath, or even a good cup of coffee. What will soothe me? I don't know any more. I just don't.

No Appropriate Title

2006-01-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

No baby this month.

Good Morning!

2006-01-21T06:43:00.000-08:00

I love a day when it's full of promise and hope. The morning is such a beautiful time. I woke up fully rested and ready for a wonderful day. I do have to pop in today at work, and help some folks out with their life insurance. However, it's not too much trouble. It feels good really. I know I'm helping. However, I don't think it will be an every weekend occurance.

Justin plans on working around the house.

He's pretty handy around the place. He cracked me up the other day. He said that he's trying to make up for the first year we lived together. He didn't really help too much around the house. So, he's been wonderful lately. I applaud his new found skills. I guess I'll just have to keep him!

We're thinking about heading out to the movies today. We haven't quite decided what to see, but we figured a date should be in store for us. We've got a kick ass budget that affords us to save and still not have to rob Peter to pay Paul to go out and have a good time. I would never erase any memories we have, because we've only grown stronger from them. In the past, we were horribly overstretched. Now, we are afforded the opportunity to enjoy what life has to offer. Our home is strong in so many ways. However, those memories remind us that we've come a long way. Cheers to us!

Wal-Mart Fun!

2006-01-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet
time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3'
in housewares and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, & and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK ME!

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!

And; last, but not least!

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"